Musings on my birthday

Wow, tomorrow I will be 58.  That's amazing....because, in so many ways, I feel as though I am still about 16.  I have three adult children, and in some ways, I feel as though I still know nothing about living or how to be a good mom or a good teacher.  How is that I have grown old?  When I look at my terrific kids, I feel it is appropriate that they are 25, 22, and 20.  It seems right.  I remember their babyhoods and their childhoods with smiles.  But, it doesn't seem right that I'm 58.  58.  That's a pretty big number.  Lots of people don't make it to 58.  Have I done anything that really matters in my 58 years on the planet?  Have I made a difference?  I have loved almost every moment of those 58 years.  There have some times that I could have done without.  Childbirth was NOT fun.  Losing my mom and dad were heart wrenching experiences.  Watching my husband struggle with dementia is not great.  But, still, most times have been good.  There have been far more smiles than frowns; more happiness than sadness; more hope than fear.  I've loved my job and I have amazing people in my life who make a difference for good each day.

Could it really have been so long ago that I sat in my bedroom with  my best friend, Connie, and dreamed about who I would marry and what my children would be like?  I feel caught up in some kind of cosmic time warp.  Wasn't it just yesterday that Connie and I were sharing dreams and stories?  And, I miss my mom and dad.  Hardly a day goes by that I don't think of them and even start to pick up the phone to tell them about this or that event.  Becca had a dream the other night that dad was sitting in the big chair in the living room.  He told her he loved her.  Can it really be that he's been gone from us for 6 months already?

There are no easy answers to these questions, but the fact that I can pose them gives me hope.  Here's to the next 58.  I will never stop loving, or learning, until I stop living.  And, in the end, that is all that I really want.

Awaiting a New Pope

As a lifelong Catholic, I remember the popes John XXIII, Paul VI, John Paul I, John Paul II, and Benedict (I’ve probably missed one).  The Cardinals are meeting in conclave and I, like many Catholics, am mildly interested in the results.  I do not think that my personal happiness or that of my family or my salvation hinges on the question of the personality or even the office of the next pope.  Frankly, and I say in this in all sincerity, I find the office of the Pope a bit redundant.  Recently, a friend of mine was told by her school district that her services were “redundant” and that she would not be offered a contract for 2013.  I’m not sure what “redundant” means to the school district and she would never, ever be considered redundant.  However, I do believe, perhaps, the office of the Pope has become so.  How I live my life each day has very little to do with the politics or personality of the pontiff.  I can admire him (and how sad that I can never say her) but he really makes no difference in how I go about teaching, how I respond to the challenges of living as a moral Christian in the 21^st century, or even, really, what I believe about the sanctity of life, or the institution of marriage, or the nature of God.  My parish priest.  He makes a difference.  He challenges me, argues with me, humbles me.  But, even he is not directed by a far off figure 3,000 miles (and many centuries) away.  

Growing up, my brothers, mom, and I were the only Catholics in our profoundly Protestant midwestern hometown.  And, my best friend and I had many spirited arguments about the papacy.  Literally, she had been told that in a neighboring Catholic community, the houses of the nuns had tunnels that connected with the rectory.  And, although she was never a bigot, many in our small town had no idea of even what to think about a Pope.  For many Americans, even Catholics, the pope is too foreign, too removed from how Americans, and the American Church, lives out the gospel message.

And, so American Catholics wait for white smoke.  And, I think for most of us, it will be met with interest and perhaps some hope; but, for many of us, the Pope is too foreign, too distant, too removed from the way in which we live our lives to make a real difference.  In the 21^st century, the Pope reminds me of the monarchs of England..historically significant but redundant.